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"The most violent element in society is ignorance. I believe this is the mentality that causes and perpetuates abuse."                                      Ellen Goldman

Dear Blogosphere

I couldn't agree more with the above quote!  IGNORANCE and SILENCE are a deadly combination in our so called civilised societies that have allowed perpetrators of abuse to be safe, feel safe, and go undetected or unaccountable for their acts of abuse.  The perpetrators of abuse I am thinking of in this context and this moment  - are pedophiles themselves and any adults who cover for them whilst the child is left unaided to muddle through the confusion of sexual abuse. 

Recently, I received a phone call from a well meaning family member whose comment aggravated me to the core when she expressed, "we wish you could get over it (molested & raped at age 7) &  move forward with your life."    I wasn't aware that I wasn't going forward - but to this person - me raising issues or making comments about anything to do with my experience of sexual abuse as a child - means that I am stuck, and not going forward.   For most of my life I have been silent and felt silenced from telling or talking about being sexually abused by an uncle. 

These comments clearly show that this family member still cannot deal with their own shame of doing nothing to protect me whilst knowing acts of abuse had occurred.  Sadly.., this family member is my mother.  To this day she still tries to protect the family name from the shame of such acts by trying to silence me and allowing others to live in ignorance.  Living in silence is something I can no longer do.

It is only recently (thirty five years after being raped as a child) that I have finally come to understand and fully accept - this once favorite uncle of mine, Tau Paa Paa (pronounced Pa'apa'a) - lived and died a paedophile and that I did not deserve to be violated.  From age 7, I was allowed to think that if I had been a different kind of girl (a better girl, a stronger girl, and not silly lili...) the sexual assault  would not have occured.  A sad thing is that up until recently,  I too made excuses for my abuser because that was what was easier to believe - that "it probably wouldn't have happened if he hadn't been drunk."

Over the years various family members and relatives have celebrated this man's matai status, talked about his wrestling, his quick temper, his alcoholism, how he cracked a formica dining table in two with one fist smashing down on it, or his acts of kindness toward them,  but nobody and I mean not-one-person, wanted to discuss or acknowledge (other than fleeting meaningless comments) Tau Pa'apa'a  as a child molester!  I can only guess it makes them too uncomfortable, I guess the old adage 'ignorance is bliss' really works for anyone not wanting to deal with life's hard issues or wanting to hide pedophiles within their family from the broader community. This may hide the family shame of such acts of betrayal & trust but it places other family members and children in the community at high risk to being the next victim.

Now, as a survivor and advocate against child abuse, I know keeping quiet about child sexual abuse or any forms of abuse, helps nobody, and in fact allows perpetrators freedom they no longer deserve.  I still haven't worked out how to stop the pain and hurt that adult family, my family, all failed me as a child and continue to do so through fear of shaming the family name. 

Now as an Adult, I am over being quiet about my child abuse, rape and other forms of abuse.  I am not pretending anymore that all is well - for relatives or anyone else.  I am glad to be over this culture of denial which demands I deny the horror of rape and remain silent.   Keeping my silence has meant  I have functioned most of my life as a wounded spirit.   I now place my healing in living out my truth and moving a thousand miles away from considering the comfort zones of those who fail to keep children safe. I am also not apologising for loving the strength I now have to speak out.  I finally, wholeheartedly, celebrate my survival as a human be-ing.   I am very passionate about education, information and Australian and global organisations like ASCA - Advocates for Survivors of Child Abuse and BRAVEHEARTS - who support survivors by acknowledging the horrible trauma of abuse, understanding the life long effects and supporting survivors to help break the silence!  

For those who truly care, if we are to envisage a world free of child abuse, and accept the possibilities of building such a world - we must first look within our own backyards.  A truthful environment, free of chaos and lies, is the only healing place for survivors of child abuse.  We must be prepared to step up to stamp out and identify abuse/abusers, so we can step forward with strides of honesty and open-ness toward meaningful cultural/social change and creating a safer world for all children and future generations. 

From my soapbox,

With love & hope for a world without child abuse, Lili Tuwai

PS. My book 'the heArt of my reVersing,' - a redemption song through original poems and short stories in verse, is available online through Amazon.com and Lulu.com

 

 

I also advocate against child abuse. It disturbs when I hear or read another case of abuse which has gone unchallenged by the immediate family, friends or the authorities. I wish you strength & empowerment from the choices you have made, in the way in which you have decided to advocate. Your courage, honesty & sincerity shines through as you put a voice to your personal experience.

One of the most enlightened statements I have read which empowers all of us to fight the shadows that haunt most survivors is:

Through it all, I have learned to cast light on darkness. “Evil (ignorance) is like a shadow. It has no real substance of its own; it is simply a lack of light. You cannot cause a shadow to disappear by trying to fight it, stamp on it, by railing against it, or any other form of emotional or physical resistance. In order to cause a shadow to disappear, you must shine light on it.” - Shakti Gawai

It’s a sad indictment on us all when a child is left consumed with shame & guilt because no adult has “stepped up” to right a wrong, to start the process of recovery, to enable the child to feel safe again without the fear of further abuse.

continued......

For those who thankfully have not been abused, please allow 2 mins of your time now to ponder the following:

imagine being a child again…. think of a child, could be your own, could be another within the family unit….someone you love & care about….
imagine you are now that child that you love and care for….
you have now become that child….
imagine now that if you (that child) was being horribly abused….
abused….physically…. emotionally…. mentally….
pause & be conscious of the emotions you are experiencing right now….
no-one is explaining to you that this is not normal
no-one explaining why you are being hurt….
you are thinking you must have done something wrong for this to happen….
you feel the pain….
the fear creeps in….
when will it stop.…
why is everyone looking away….
why is no-one stopping it….
someone take me away from the pain!….
ask yourself why won’t anybody help?
why won’t anybody help…..

One of the many topics in the media that annoy me at present is the overwhelming push to get everybody involved in climate change for the benefit of the environment, meanwhile they themselves add to the pollution with their own newspapers & magazines.

As important as these messages for the need of evironmental change may or may not be, in my opinion they are a diversion from more pandemic & problematic community issues such as child abuse & mental health resources.

Imagine if the messages about climate change, were in reference to our united, enlightened attitude towards stamping out abuse in our own communities.

Instead of energy being dedicated to protesting the raping and polluting of mother earth, we would have stories about how we are utilising this energy to stamp out the rape & abuse of our children.

Fortunately for all of us, there are "conscious"/"thinking" people in the media spotlight who not only take the hard road of speaking out against paedophiles, child abuse & appropriate health services/support for survivors, but also wish to make a difference for the benefit of future generations. I personally applaud their efforts.

We all wish we didn’t have to talk about it because that would statistically mean it was no longer an issue. Unfortunately for all the people who have been abused, this is not their reality. Join Lili, myself and hundreds of thousands of people globally to speak out against abuse now, not tomorrow, but today. Make a difference, show you care, show survivors they are no longer alone in the struggle for change.

SHINE THE LIGHT!!

:):)

I know this goes on, but never took the time to think about being that person being abused. OMG! It was only recently my cousin confided that she had been abused by a family member as a child. I had no idea as we were growing up. I remember we were often left at their place during weekends & holidays and I don’t remember anyone mentioning or warning us kids. My cousin & I are close and I feel sorry for her that none of our family did anything. I now hope I might be able to help & understand her a little better. Thanks for opening my eyes & for the information on your site. My cousin & I will be tracking your journey for inspiration in ours.

:):):):):):)

If now isn't a good time for the truth I don't see when we'll get to it.
Nikki Giovanni

Above, one of my favorite poets sums up my deepest thoughts and the simplest action needed toward living my truth without compromise.
Lili

Found your blog interesting and particularly apt in terms of the current ousting of dozens of adults and authorities in the media at present who have either been involved in child pornography & more importantly the people involved trying to cover up the Arukun/10 year old aboriginal girl's rape. Lord help all of our children, especially when the authorities are assisting criminals to get away with these crimes.
God bless.
:(:(:(

Tori Amos for RAINN - Please note RAINN is an American based organisation


Below is a letter written by Tori to inform people of the service that RAINN offers to anyone who needs it. Following it are some important links that provide further information.

RAINN is a very serious organization, however, they of course are limited in many aspects. We urge you to get involved in whatever organization is available in your community to protect the sexual and civil rights of all individuals.

Remember, the important thing is to get involved. Whether you are involved with RAINN, or your local women's or children's shelter, you are helping to pitch in.

Sometimes I hear my voice...


Dear Friends,

For the last two years, I've sung "Me and a Gun" at every concert as a way of healing the place inside myself that has been hurt, enraged, and numbed by violence.

For many years, I shut down that place inside myself that needed to rage, cry, ask questions, and basically just express herself.

I made a conscious choice when I put "Me and a Gun" on the record not to stay a victim anymore. You see, I was still a victim in my own mind from an experience that had happened a long time ago: I was still torturing myself.

Passion, joy, and love were not things I felt I could have or deserved anymore. I've been encouraged by wise ones, who taught me how to develop inner tools where I can understand these scared places in my being. It took me many years to make the decision to deal with this, but a bitter woman was what I was becoming and when I was young I always saw myself as a passionate woman.

I would say, "Well, she's dead." and the wise ones said, "It's your choice, Tori, if you want to bring her back to life, you can. She's only been sleeping-alone, in a very dark corner. It's your choice and there is help out there."

letter continued in next post...

from previous entry - Tori Amos letter continued....

I recieved a letter from a 13-year old girl in Paris whose stepfather has been molesting her for years. She wrote: "If I had known a phone number which would have been able to help me, I certainly would have dialed it. So, we can't go one being blind and dumb: You don't have to put the message with the help phone number out now. Maybe you'll never do it, because of different reasons. You won't be to blame for it. But, I want you never to forget that every day someone loses their dignity."

Healing takes courage and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.

Love and Support,


TORI AMOS



RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network - USA) You can call RAINN at 1-800-656-HOPE if you are suffering and would like help.

If you would like to help them in any way, their e-mail address is info@rainn.org. They are very busy and it might be better for you to visit their information request page.

I wish the best with getting the message out

i like what you are doing cause i no its not easy disclosing. All power to you Lili

Book Review

The HeArt of my ReVersing is an important work. In it Lili Tuwai rips the bark off the cockroaches, exposing abuse and betrayal in a stark new light.

With pinpoint insight she skewers the evils of child sexual abuse and subsequent denial to the board.

In her unique delivery she invites us to look at these brittle issues, in the hope that we will irradicate all abuse, all violence, from our society.

Efrem Manassey - Qio Dorsalus

Kia Ora brave woman & writer! your book is CHOICE really different pieces making up the whole. I like what you have done. C ya online soon i hope - like to discuss some of your work in real time :)

Dear Sista Lili,its been a while and i WANTED TO TAKE THIS MOMENT TO CONGRATULATE YOU ON THE BEAUTIFUL WORK SIS,AFTER ALL THESE YEARS THE HARD WORK,THE WALK AND THE COMPLET JOURNEY FINDS EDIFICATION AND SHINES AND GIVES BIRTH TO THE VOICE WITHIN...LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU MUCH LOVE HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM BRO eLDAD AND FAMILY.